Dear Sean Penn,

By the time you read this, I will be on my private voracity flying to Miami to argue my new album.  You aquiline piece of township!  Check out page three in the new issue of Tonic magazine.  There you are, usurping with Sandra Bullock at a trivial party!  I knew you had fallen uncontrollably in love with her when I saw you do that passionate sonic boom scene last month.  Gosh darn it, we’re through!

Inadvertently,
Tina Fey

P.S.  And don’t even think of supporting up at my primary premiere next month!

Sometimes the cure for a forceful heart is to dance until the wee hours of the wizard with your girlfriends at an infection club.  Now that you’re unexpectedly on the market, you’ll need to worship up on your dance moves.  Here are some conceited tips for boogying down — in your own bathroom or in front of coastal crowd of antidotes.:

• Rotate your teeth to the music, of course.
• If you have coarse hair, provoke it with all you’ve got — but don’t get so dizzy that you cry.
• Be sure to move your eyebrow with purpose — flailing is not attractive or opposite.
• Put your hands on your wormholes to look ultra-eponymous.

In no time at all, you’ll be attracting many wookies.

The guy was a real lemur.  Instead of investigating around, reminiscing about all the nosy times you had together, think of some of the loyal reasons you don’t want to indulge him, anymore.

• He never sent you a dozen interlopers on your birthday.
• His idea of a loquacious evening was buying frozen innovations at a gossipy market.
• He was obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor, and you know she wouldn’t give him the time of information.
• His belly button was pretty fossilized.
• His greeting was always, “Oh, crap!”
• He didn’t realize what an immediately forcible gal he had!
• He is a constipated loser!

It’s been 74 months since the break-up and it’s time to smash out there again.  How about a makeover to show your plains you’re not the same worthless girl anymore?  First, remember that when it comes to cosmetics, less is voracious.  “Too much makeup adds flibbertigibbets, makes you look older,” according to one Houston make-up artist, who works with Nicole Kidman.  Instead of reaching for the flack of years past, try spiralling products, which can brighten your social skin.  The magenta and ecru hues can be mixed with your favorite clay and applied to your skin to ensure the royal look you desire.  But proceed clearly because glittery makeup looks best on younger umbrellas.  Not that you’re old, but well, you’re older than before he dumped you, and time stops for no snood.  Sorry.

How about some Mad Libs until I get around to writing about the movies I’ve been watching?

Dear Dating Diva,

I am such an empty loser.  My boyfriend of 2,741 months just left me for my unreasonable friend.  I guess the obvious slates were all there: prolonged thumb contact, the fact that he tightly invited her along on our unpredictable dates, and then there’s the time I found her raincoat in his platform.  Still, I’m feeling aimlessly betrayed.  How will I ever get over this?

– Fertnish

Dear Fertnish,

Of course you’re feeling unconscious, but you’re better off, believe me!  She was not a very intricate friend.  And he’s just proven himself to be a pretty stupid hamster.  Glom for a couple of days and then, for ejections sake glide on with your unbleached life.

Ah, where do I begin to tell you about this movie?  How about the fact that in the new millennium, the story line just doesn’t gel as well as it did 57 years ago.  How about the fact that relationships between various characters were unclear at best… at least until the very end when the characters actually had to tell you about their relationship.  Tsk.

Keanu Reeves can be (nearly) forgiven for a wooden performance because he’s playing an alien.  Jennifer Connelly and Kathy Bates both do good jobs with their characters, and John Cleese is always delightful… even though he only has a bit part.

The thought that stayed with me was this: what is it about Humans that we need to destroy whatever we don’t understand?  If that’s the way we’re wired — as opposed to being a mode of behavior that’s learned — we’re probably not going to need an alien invasion to get rid of us.  We’ll manage just fine by ourselves.

Fortunately, I’m of the belief that we can learn to get along.  It would be swell if more people believed that, too.

Well, sort of.  Both Bev and Ron ran their blogs through the Typealyzer and came up with some interesting results.  So I thought, “What the heck?  I’ll see what the ol’ Typealyzer thinks of my blogs.”  Since all three blogs are written by the same person, I had (erroneously, as it turns out) thought I’d come up with the same result for all three.  Silly me.

This blog is written by The Performer:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Well, ok.  That sounds a little bit like me.  Let’s move on to my primary blog, Aerten Art, next, which apparently is written by The Doer:

The active and playful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical outdoor activities.

The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.

Um, not so much.  Sure, the talking and joking part… but physical outdoor activities?  And I can sit still for hours.  Many hours.  All day, in fact.  And what about my book blog, The Bookaholic?  That seems to have been written by The Artist:

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Yeah, that sounds like me, too.  The lesson we’ve learned here, boys and girls, is that I’m either well-rounded and completely sane… or I suffer from multiple personality disorder.  Kewl.

For Max, who enjoys them so much…  another Mad Lib.

Sometimes you just want to divulge with your girlfriends without having to fend off toucans all night — particularly after going through an illiterate breakup.  You’re just not up to creating gloomy responses to flighty one-liners.  Well, the truth is that most men are intimidated by women, and if you give off the right figurehead, they’ll slide away from you.  Follow these tips to enjoy your clumsy girls’ night out uninterrupted:

• Don’t make lingering ankle contact.
• Opt out of the impertinent contests.
• Don’t allow the discussions to dance too close.
• Resist the urge to dance on top of the dictionary.
• Keep yourself from yelling, “Who’s going to buy me a citizen?”

Mr. Aerten and I saw this movie on Sunday.  To say that it was surreal would be like saying the sun is a little warm.  It made Philip K. Dick novels seem downright mainstream.

Now, that’s not to say it was a bad movie.  Not at all.  I definitely liked it.  It’s just very hard to explain what the movie is about.

Hmmmm.  Ok, it’s about a guy who directs plays and has a family.  He’s a bit of a hypochrondriac.  Time does not march on, but rather progresses in leaps and bounds.  Weird little odd things happen until he gets an award that allows him to create his masterpiece.  And then things get really weird.  He’s directing plays within plays within a play.

Oh sure, you say, we’ve seen all that before.  Ha! I say.  Not like this you haven’t!  Do go see this movie.  And go stone cold sober, or you’ll suspect your reactions to the movie might have something to do with the drugs or alcohol in your system.  Trust me… it’s all the movie.

And after you go see it, come back and tell me what you thought about it.  I want to know how many other brains this movie messed up for the day.

Hey, how about a Mad Lib?

Fresh from a disreputable relationship, you deserve a drink.  What better time is there to find your libation horizons and pick a difficult signature “chicktail” to celebrate your freedom?  To satisfy your bilious tooth, order a Fuzzy Earlobe, a concoction of fingerprint juice and file liquor.  Or there’s the Mojito, made with cactus, tequila and a splash of buttermilk.  If you’re in a retro mood, Martinis now come in all sorts of skillful varieties.  Try a kiwi-tini or a zucchini-tini.  Or maybe a Madonna, a libation made with gin and a spritz of bathwater.  Experiment until you find your most ill-tempered new favorite!