Dear Dating Diva,

I am such an empty loser.  My boyfriend of 2,741 months just left me for my unreasonable friend.  I guess the obvious slates were all there: prolonged thumb contact, the fact that he tightly invited her along on our unpredictable dates, and then there’s the time I found her raincoat in his platform.  Still, I’m feeling aimlessly betrayed.  How will I ever get over this?

– Fertnish

Dear Fertnish,

Of course you’re feeling unconscious, but you’re better off, believe me!  She was not a very intricate friend.  And he’s just proven himself to be a pretty stupid hamster.  Glom for a couple of days and then, for ejections sake glide on with your unbleached life.

Keanu Reeves can be (nearly) forgiven for a wooden performance because he’s playing an alien.  Jennifer Connelly and Kathy Bates both do good jobs with their characters, and John Cleese is always delightful… even though he only has a bit part.

The thought that stayed with me was this: what is it about Humans that we need to destroy whatever we don’t understand?  If that’s the way we’re wired — as opposed to being a mode of behavior that’s learned — we’re probably not going to need an alien invasion to get rid of us.  We’ll manage just fine by ourselves.

Fortunately, I’m of the belief that we can learn to get along.  It would be swell if more people believed that, too.

This blog is written by The Performer:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Well, ok.  That sounds a little bit like me.  Let’s move on to my primary blog, Aerten Art, next, which apparently is written by The Doer:

The active and playful type. They are especially attuned to people and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and engaging in physical outdoor activities.

The Doers are happiest with action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time.

Um, not so much.  Sure, the talking and joking part… but physical outdoor activities?  And I can sit still for hours.  Many hours.  All day, in fact.  And what about my book blog, The Bookaholic?  That seems to have been written by The Artist:

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Yeah, that sounds like me, too.  The lesson we’ve learned here, boys and girls, is that I’m either well-rounded and completely sane… or I suffer from multiple personality disorder.  Kewl.

Sometimes you just want to divulge with your girlfriends without having to fend off toucans all night — particularly after going through an illiterate breakup.  You’re just not up to creating gloomy responses to flighty one-liners.  Well, the truth is that most men are intimidated by women, and if you give off the right figurehead, they’ll slide away from you.  Follow these tips to enjoy your clumsy girls’ night out uninterrupted:

• Don’t make lingering ankle contact.
• Opt out of the impertinent contests.
• Don’t allow the discussions to dance too close.
• Resist the urge to dance on top of the dictionary.
• Keep yourself from yelling, “Who’s going to buy me a citizen?”

Now, that’s not to say it was a bad movie.  Not at all.  I definitely liked it.  It’s just very hard to explain what the movie is about.

Hmmmm.  Ok, it’s about a guy who directs plays and has a family.  He’s a bit of a hypochrondriac.  Time does not march on, but rather progresses in leaps and bounds.  Weird little odd things happen until he gets an award that allows him to create his masterpiece.  And then things get really weird.  He’s directing plays within plays within a play.

Oh sure, you say, we’ve seen all that before.  Ha! I say.  Not like this you haven’t!  Do go see this movie.  And go stone cold sober, or you’ll suspect your reactions to the movie might have something to do with the drugs or alcohol in your system.  Trust me… it’s all the movie.

And after you go see it, come back and tell me what you thought about it.  I want to know how many other brains this movie messed up for the day.

Fresh from a disreputable relationship, you deserve a drink.  What better time is there to find your libation horizons and pick a difficult signature “chicktail” to celebrate your freedom?  To satisfy your bilious tooth, order a Fuzzy Earlobe, a concoction of fingerprint juice and file liquor.  Or there’s the Mojito, made with cactus, tequila and a splash of buttermilk.  If you’re in a retro mood, Martinis now come in all sorts of skillful varieties.  Try a kiwi-tini or a zucchini-tini.  Or maybe a Madonna, a libation made with gin and a spritz of bathwater.  Experiment until you find your most ill-tempered new favorite!

I HAVE…

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightening at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Rode an elephant

The nicest theaters in the area are the new one at the Colonie Center Mall.  You’d think they would have created more parking when they remodeled the mall and added the theaters (and two popular restaurants).  But nooooo.  There’s barely enough parking these days.  And now that the Retailers of America have decided that the Christmas Season well before Christmas, there is no parking over there.  What is wrong with you people??!  Christmas shopping season used to start the day after Thanksgiving.  It was a big deal.  These days, Christmas shopping season starts before Halloween.  What’s up with that?

So last Saturday, we went to Colonie to see Quantum of Solace.  Good movie… and I think Daniel Craig is the first Bond that’s believable as a ruthless spy (as opposed to all the others who were just spy-like ladies’ men).  Due to my extreme displeasure at having to actually walk through ::gasp:: a store, however, on Sunday we went to Latham Circle Mall Theaters to see Bolt (cute story, and there were some good laughs).  I’ll be going over to either The Spectrum or Latham for my movies until this holiday shopping nonsense is over.

Bah humbug!

(Some of my classmates from Lourdes do, and here’s a shout out to them… sorry I missed the party Friday night.  I was seriously exhausted by the time I got to town.  Next time, I’ll come out a day early!)

Haley and I chatted up a storm at Rosebud of Naperville (try their house specialty Square Noodles), which is located by Riverwalk Park.  Being on the bank of one of the branches of the DuPage River (ok, it’s the west branch), we were able to watch ducks fail to maintain a stationary position in the swift-moving waters as they looked for whatever ducks look for under water.  Snow actually fell from the sky, which was a great disappointment to me.  Meeting Haley, however, was fabulous!  Next time, we do so hope fellow blogger JD will join us.

After lunch, I arrived back at my brother’s house just in time to witness my nephew dancing with glee as the Packers scored the last touchdown of the game against the Bears.  Meh and whatever.  My brother and sister-in-law were disturbed by his unnatural behavior, however.  I don’t know why.  After all, my brother always has favored the White Sox over the Cubs… which is unnatural for a North Sider.  Yeah, now you know how the rest of us felt when you mocked our Cubbies, Kev.  Paybacks are a bitch, aren’t they?  heh heh heh

I don’t have a Wii, but I might want to get one.  Perhaps.  Possibly.  Everyone tells me that it’s great fun, and I did experience that for myself.  Now I just need to be convinced the Wii Fit is tons of fun and I’ll be all set.

We also played a lot of card games.  By “a lot” I mean three different kinds of games.  The first one was Skip-Bo, which the alleged adults played while the Offspring and her best friend continued their mad Mario racing.  Ski-bo is definitely in the same category (i.e., fun) as Uno and Phase Ten.  Upon returning to my brother’s house that evening, I observed my brother, sister-in-law and some of their neighbors playing Hand and Foot.  The game wasn’t as interesting as the good-natured banter going around the table.  We finished off the evening with a round of Golf (the non-solitaire card game).  Despite having no idea what I was doing, I did rather well.

After the neighbors left, we settled down to watch First Knight.  I can’t remember who chose the movie, but I’m going to find a way to get even.  Despite the appearances of both Sean Connery and Richard Gere, I’ve put this in the “never watch this movie again” category.  The writers and director trashed the Arthurian legend so thoroughly I nearly wept.

Next: a second day of fun!