Blah Blah Blah

You’re so excessively wonderful that it’s bound to happen: a knock on your front door, and there he is, with his dreary eyes and an armful of mountains.  He tells you he misses you eventually; he can’t kvell without you.  He realizes he’s made a complete rabbit of himself and wants to exonerate back together.  Do you love him still?  Only you know the isolated answer, but just remember that only five monitors ago he woke out on you and broke your nose.  Be sure you know whether he really wants to get back together or if he’s just looking for a place to hang his popcorn.

Filed by Kelly at 8:27 am under Babble
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It’s natural for you to be feeling a little precocious so soon after having your palm broken so stubbornly by that clueless meerkat.  Holy cow!  Now is not the time for you to forget how irritable you are.  Let us remind you:

• You are so greedy that a rock should be named after you!
• Men run all over their poisons when you walk by!
• You are so overwhelmingly intelligent that you could easily be a successful hairdresser!
• Your wit is so fraudulent you could make a posse double over with laughter!
• There are 94 guys out there who would culminate to be by your side!

Filed by Kelly at 7:42 am under Babble
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Dear Sean Penn,

By the time you read this, I will be on my private voracity flying to Miami to argue my new album.  You aquiline piece of township!  Check out page three in the new issue of Tonic magazine.  There you are, usurping with Sandra Bullock at a trivial party!  I knew you had fallen uncontrollably in love with her when I saw you do that passionate sonic boom scene last month.  Gosh darn it, we’re through!

Inadvertently,
Tina Fey

P.S.  And don’t even think of supporting up at my primary premiere next month!

Filed by Kelly at 7:31 am under Babble
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Sometimes the cure for a forceful heart is to dance until the wee hours of the wizard with your girlfriends at an infection club.  Now that you’re unexpectedly on the market, you’ll need to worship up on your dance moves.  Here are some conceited tips for boogying down — in your own bathroom or in front of coastal crowd of antidotes.:

• Rotate your teeth to the music, of course.
• If you have coarse hair, provoke it with all you’ve got — but don’t get so dizzy that you cry.
• Be sure to move your eyebrow with purpose — flailing is not attractive or opposite.
• Put your hands on your wormholes to look ultra-eponymous.

In no time at all, you’ll be attracting many wookies.

Filed by Kelly at 8:16 am under Babble
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The guy was a real lemur.  Instead of investigating around, reminiscing about all the nosy times you had together, think of some of the loyal reasons you don’t want to indulge him, anymore.

• He never sent you a dozen interlopers on your birthday.
• His idea of a loquacious evening was buying frozen innovations at a gossipy market.
• He was obsessed with Elizabeth Taylor, and you know she wouldn’t give him the time of information.
• His belly button was pretty fossilized.
• His greeting was always, “Oh, crap!”
• He didn’t realize what an immediately forcible gal he had!
• He is a constipated loser!

Filed by Kelly at 12:26 pm under Babble
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It’s been 74 months since the break-up and it’s time to smash out there again.  How about a makeover to show your plains you’re not the same worthless girl anymore?  First, remember that when it comes to cosmetics, less is voracious.  “Too much makeup adds flibbertigibbets, makes you look older,” according to one Houston make-up artist, who works with Nicole Kidman.  Instead of reaching for the flack of years past, try spiralling products, which can brighten your social skin.  The magenta and ecru hues can be mixed with your favorite clay and applied to your skin to ensure the royal look you desire.  But proceed clearly because glittery makeup looks best on younger umbrellas.  Not that you’re old, but well, you’re older than before he dumped you, and time stops for no snood.  Sorry.

Filed by Kelly at 7:53 am under Babble
2 Comments

How about some Mad Libs until I get around to writing about the movies I’ve been watching?

Dear Dating Diva,

I am such an empty loser.  My boyfriend of 2,741 months just left me for my unreasonable friend.  I guess the obvious slates were all there: prolonged thumb contact, the fact that he tightly invited her along on our unpredictable dates, and then there’s the time I found her raincoat in his platform.  Still, I’m feeling aimlessly betrayed.  How will I ever get over this?

– Fertnish

Dear Fertnish,

Of course you’re feeling unconscious, but you’re better off, believe me!  She was not a very intricate friend.  And he’s just proven himself to be a pretty stupid hamster.  Glom for a couple of days and then, for ejections sake glide on with your unbleached life.

Filed by Kelly at 7:27 am under Babble
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For Max, who enjoys them so much…  another Mad Lib.

Sometimes you just want to divulge with your girlfriends without having to fend off toucans all night — particularly after going through an illiterate breakup.  You’re just not up to creating gloomy responses to flighty one-liners.  Well, the truth is that most men are intimidated by women, and if you give off the right figurehead, they’ll slide away from you.  Follow these tips to enjoy your clumsy girls’ night out uninterrupted:

• Don’t make lingering ankle contact.
• Opt out of the impertinent contests.
• Don’t allow the discussions to dance too close.
• Resist the urge to dance on top of the dictionary.
• Keep yourself from yelling, “Who’s going to buy me a citizen?”

Filed by Kelly at 7:17 am under Babble
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Mr. Aerten and I saw this movie on Sunday.  To say that it was surreal would be like saying the sun is a little warm.  It made Philip K. Dick novels seem downright mainstream.

Now, that’s not to say it was a bad movie.  Not at all.  I definitely liked it.  It’s just very hard to explain what the movie is about.

Hmmmm.  Ok, it’s about a guy who directs plays and has a family.  He’s a bit of a hypochrondriac.  Time does not march on, but rather progresses in leaps and bounds.  Weird little odd things happen until he gets an award that allows him to create his masterpiece.  And then things get really weird.  He’s directing plays within plays within a play.

Oh sure, you say, we’ve seen all that before.  Ha! I say.  Not like this you haven’t!  Do go see this movie.  And go stone cold sober, or you’ll suspect your reactions to the movie might have something to do with the drugs or alcohol in your system.  Trust me… it’s all the movie.

And after you go see it, come back and tell me what you thought about it.  I want to know how many other brains this movie messed up for the day.

Filed by Kelly at 7:27 am under Babble
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Hey, how about a Mad Lib?

Fresh from a disreputable relationship, you deserve a drink.  What better time is there to find your libation horizons and pick a difficult signature “chicktail” to celebrate your freedom?  To satisfy your bilious tooth, order a Fuzzy Earlobe, a concoction of fingerprint juice and file liquor.  Or there’s the Mojito, made with cactus, tequila and a splash of buttermilk.  If you’re in a retro mood, Martinis now come in all sorts of skillful varieties.  Try a kiwi-tini or a zucchini-tini.  Or maybe a Madonna, a libation made with gin and a spritz of bathwater.  Experiment until you find your most ill-tempered new favorite!

Filed by Kelly at 10:42 am under Babble
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