A Ditty

Entitled: A Day in the Life and Times of the Common Fruit Fly and Household Gnat Including the Relationship Between the Yellow Fuzzy Bumblebee and the Shiny Black Multi-legged Waterbug with a Dissertation on the Sex Life of the Wood- and Varnish-Eating Termite (or How to Fold a Newspaper While Tying Your Shoes in the Sauna of a Wellknown Resort Prior to Major Surgery Entailing Removal of the Entire Colon and Spinal Column)

This little ditty is dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.  That is not to say they are in any way equal to the female of the species, for they are, in fact, far inferior.  Nevertheless, they serve their purpose.  For example, they can be very adequate bedwarmers.  On the other hand, often they will become surly and uncontrollable for no apparent reason.  This can usually be remedied by threatening to abandon them in the nearest dark alley in which large grey rats lurk in small dirty dustbins, waiting to prey upon the living flesh of unwary wanderers and other unfortunate creatures.

It was in the month of May (the very merry month of May to be precise) in an era unknown to the reader (and the writer, also, for that matter) in a large open area commonly known at the time as a park.  In said park, in said month of merry May, as I nimbly and lightly strolled past thickets, pear trees, rose bushes, geraniums, snapdragons, children swimming in the creek, mothers hoping they will drown, basket weavers twiddling their thumbs and toes, nice young men in their clean white coats, muggers, rapists, murderers, flashers, high school dropouts, greasers, thugs and other unsavory characters, I was taken by surprise (that is to say, one of the above mentioned unsavory characters approached my person and spoke limericks and Polish jokes and bad puns in a low and menacing whisper) by a pair (after closer inspection I discovered that the above mentioned unsavory character was, in fact, two unsavory characters) of Chinese (how they got past the Self Proclaimed Red Chinese Haters Anonymous Private Pizza Party and Beer Bash that was being held at the front gates to ward off all persons of, or suspected of being of, Chinese descent, I’ll never learn) spies (perhaps this is how they got past the Self Proclaimed Red Chinese Haters Anonymous Private Pizza Party and Beer Bash, as they looked more like overcooked chickens, or at the very least overcooked linguine, than Chinese spies, but on the other hand, perhaps this is how Chinese spies are supposed to look) as I (and I alone, for no one had bothered to offer to accompany me through this said park for protection, as this was, and still is, none other than the infamous Central Park of New York City in the North American Confederate of Old Home Terra) was strolling (well, to be honest with you, I was swimming, but that would take us into a whole different ditty) through the park (and I was really swimming down the street, but who’s counting?) one day (it was actually the middle of the night, but that didn’t fit with the music and/or tune of the original ditty that this originally was a parody of).

For Maria, who always said, “As I was swimming down the street one day in the merry, merry month of May, I was taken by surprise by a pair of Chinese spies as I was swimming down the street one day.”

[Note: This was written a million years ago, when I was possibly either a sophomore or junior in high school. I was definitely in high school, and I was definitely as wacky then as I am now.]

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