Don’t Blame Me

While driving around town, I often see cars with bumper stickers that read, “Don’t blame me, I voted for <one of the people who didn’t win the election>.”

And wouldn’t you know it… I have some thoughts on that.

First: Really?  Do you really drive all over town assuming that the people in traffic around you are holding you responsible for whatever ills they perceive are happening in society?  You do?  I have a word for you: therapy.

Second: Are you driving around town holding all the people in traffic around you responsible for all the ills you perceive are happening in society?  Because, again, I have a word for you: therapy.

Third: Go put a bumper sticker on your car that will make people in traffic around you smile and have a better day.  A joke, a pun, a picture of Buffy staking Edward… whatever.  Consider it part of your therapy.

A Ditty

Entitled: A Day in the Life and Times of the Common Fruit Fly and Household Gnat Including the Relationship Between the Yellow Fuzzy Bumblebee and the Shiny Black Multi-legged Waterbug with a Dissertation on the Sex Life of the Wood- and Varnish-Eating Termite (or How to Fold a Newspaper While Tying Your Shoes in the Sauna of a Wellknown Resort Prior to Major Surgery Entailing Removal of the Entire Colon and Spinal Column)

This little ditty is dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.  That is not to say they are in any way equal to the female of the species, for they are, in fact, far inferior.  Nevertheless, they serve their purpose.  For example, they can be very adequate bedwarmers.  On the other hand, often they will become surly and uncontrollable for no apparent reason.  This can usually be remedied by threatening to abandon them in the nearest dark alley in which large grey rats lurk in small dirty dustbins, waiting to prey upon the living flesh of unwary wanderers and other unfortunate creatures.

It was in the month of May (the very merry month of May to be precise) in an era unknown to the reader (and the writer, also, for that matter) in a large open area commonly known at the time as a park.  In said park, in said month of merry May, as I nimbly and lightly strolled past thickets, pear trees, rose bushes, geraniums, snapdragons, children swimming in the creek, mothers hoping they will drown, basket weavers twiddling their thumbs and toes, nice young men in their clean white coats, muggers, rapists, murderers, flashers, high school dropouts, greasers, thugs and other unsavory characters, I was taken by surprise (that is to say, one of the above mentioned unsavory characters approached my person and spoke limericks and Polish jokes and bad puns in a low and menacing whisper) by a pair (after closer inspection I discovered that the above mentioned unsavory character was, in fact, two unsavory characters) of Chinese (how they got past the Self Proclaimed Red Chinese Haters Anonymous Private Pizza Party and Beer Bash that was being held at the front gates to ward off all persons of, or suspected of being of, Chinese descent, I’ll never learn) spies (perhaps this is how they got past the Self Proclaimed Red Chinese Haters Anonymous Private Pizza Party and Beer Bash, as they looked more like overcooked chickens, or at the very least overcooked linguine, than Chinese spies, but on the other hand, perhaps this is how Chinese spies are supposed to look) as I (and I alone, for no one had bothered to offer to accompany me through this said park for protection, as this was, and still is, none other than the infamous Central Park of New York City in the North American Confederate of Old Home Terra) was strolling (well, to be honest with you, I was swimming, but that would take us into a whole different ditty) through the park (and I was really swimming down the street, but who’s counting?) one day (it was actually the middle of the night, but that didn’t fit with the music and/or tune of the original ditty that this originally was a parody of).

For Maria, who always said, “As I was swimming down the street one day in the merry, merry month of May, I was taken by surprise by a pair of Chinese spies as I was swimming down the street one day.”

[Note: This was written a million years ago, when I was possibly either a sophomore or junior in high school. I was definitely in high school, and I was definitely as wacky then as I am now.]

The Charlie Sheen Mad Lib

Oh, come on.  You knew this had to happen, right?  Personally, I like Charlie Sheen.  I’m just sad to see that he has appeared to have gone bonkers to the same level as, but in a different universe from, Tom Cruise.  So anyway… the Charlie Sheen Mad Lib.  Right.  You can find it here and create your own.  Here’s mine:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Aerten Art. If you try it once, you will stab. Your spleen will melt off, and your cousins will toss over your decapitated body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not what-the-fuckish—a total freaking model from Mars. I’ve got wildebeest blood, Apollo DNA! … They picked a fight with a Cthulhu. They’re trying to take all my feet and leave me with no means to deploy my family. It’s not radiology! They owe me an apology while grinding my hippocampus … I don’t think people are ready for the banana peel I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of nefarious love. I exposed toasters to magic! Here’s your sputum test. Next one goes in your nasal passage!”

Freaky, right?  That bit about spitting up your nose is gross, but what concerns me is that he’s exposing toasters to magic.  You know what means?  That means the Cylons are coming.  We need to get out of here!

Baba Ganoush

I found this recipe in Vegan: Over 90 Mouthwatering Recipes for All Occasions by Tony Weston and Yvonne Bishop.  It was pretty darn tasty except… well, not enough garlic for my taste.  Next time I make it (and there will be a next time because it’s so darn easy to make), I will probably (at least) double the amount of garlic.  Gotta keep those vampires away, you know!

2 eggplants
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 garlic clove, chopped
Juice of ½ lime
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon vegan yogurt or Vegenaise
2.5 teaspoons tahini
1 teaspoon ground cumin

Preheat the oven to 400°F.  Halve the eggplants lengthwise, brush the cut side with olive oil and bake for about 30 minutes, until soft.

Scoop out the flesh of the eggplants, transfer it to a food processor or blender (I used my immersion blender, and it worked great), then add the remaining ingredients and blend until smooth.  Transfer the mixture to a serving bowl, cover and chill until needed.

Just before serving, dust the purée with smoked paprika and garnish with olives and slices of lime (if you want it to look pretty; I didn’t bother).  Serve with warm pita bread or oatcakes, and a selection of crudités for dipping.

The recipe for oatcakes is also in this book, and I don’t know what the heck crudités are.  Oh wait… Google can help with that.  Be right back…  Are you kidding me?  You can’t just say “sliced veggies”?  You have to get all fancy schmancy and say “crudités”?  Good grief.  Well, the baba ganoush is worth the snobby language.