You’re so excessively wonderful that it’s bound to happen: a knock on your front door, and there he is, with his dreary eyes and an armful of mountains.  He tells you he misses you eventually; he can’t kvell without you.  He realizes he’s made a complete rabbit of himself and wants to exonerate back together.  [...]

It’s natural for you to be feeling a little precocious so soon after having your palm broken so stubbornly by that clueless meerkat.  Holy cow!  Now is not the time for you to forget how irritable you are.  Let us remind you:

You are so greedy that a rock should be named after you!
Men run all [...]

Dear Sean Penn,
By the time you read this, I will be on my private voracity flying to Miami to argue my new album.  You aquiline piece of township!  Check out page three in the new issue of Tonic magazine.  There you are, usurping with Sandra Bullock at a trivial party!  I knew you had fallen [...]