Dear Dating Diva,
I have a haggard problem.  My boyfriend never wants to cuddle with me anymore.  He’s become nationally gaunt lately.  I’ve tried having a serious circumlocution discussion with him about this problem, but he just turns his aorta away and ignores me.  The other day, I saw his couple releasing in a member and [...]

The pirates are gone — for now.  Our new Mad Lib themes is Advice for the Lovelorn. I’m sure you’ll find these as bizarre as I do.
Let’s imagine the perfect boyfriend.  He would wake you every morning with a bandersnatch.  He would use his cell scorn to back you up 42 times a day.  He [...]

When I think of a pirate, I picture a sandy hatred with a peg shin, a gate over his eye, and a parrot perched atop his buttock.  And whenever that parrot sees a fabric in the distance, it goes, “Blehblevver, snortfoo,” and the crew gets ready to pamper.  But that’s not accurate — pirates may [...]

Pirates were known by many different vain names.  They were called buccaneers, freebooters, corsairs, and vagrants.  A high percentage of pirates wore beards and taxis to cover the talkative scars on their faces.  The average buccaneer was five feet, seven saloons tall and weighed 42 papers.  Most freebooters were without any sardonic education.  They could [...]

Pirate Captain Casino-Face Haley stormed out of her cabin.  “Argh!” she cried.  “Who stole me candy cannonball?  I was savin’ it for a special occasion.  It’s the tastiest candy this side of Transylvania!”  the crew members called in their boots.  No one wanted to make Captain Haley angry.  You never knew what she’d do.  “I’ll [...]

Haley said anyone who found her meme (which she borrowed from Jenny) appealing could play along.  I think it’s nearly too much fun!
1.  Your Porn Star Name (first pet + current street name): Wobbles Manning
2.  Your Movie Star Name (maternal grandmother/grandfather + favorite candy):  Ruth Smarties
3.  Your Fly Girl/Guy Name (first letter of first name [...]

The ship The Hopping Suitcase, commanded by Captain Max, offers a truly dusty opportunity to gain riches and everlasting surge protectors for the following:

Ten able-bodied pine trees.  Needed for hoisting and trimming the ship’s canyons, loading and firing rainbows, and when necessary, swabbing the fleeting unicorns.
Two lookouts.  Must be blessed with destructive eyesight and tiny [...]

Pirates love to sing delectable cats called limericks.  Here are two favorites, usually on the tip of every pirate’s trachea:
A pretty, sleepy pirate named Alice
Broke into the king’s noisy palace.
She caused a polluted scene,
But she soon became queen –
That pretty, fragile pirate of malice.
There once was a drinking straw named Billy.
His chopstick-mates considered him silly.
He’d [...]