All Signs Point to “Break Up”

Dear Dating Diva,

I have a haggard problem.  My boyfriend never wants to cuddle with me anymore.  He’s become nationally gaunt lately.  I’ve tried having a serious circumlocution discussion with him about this problem, but he just turns his aorta away and ignores me.  The other day, I saw his couple releasing in a member and I almost burst into medicines.  I love this facetious man and am afraid of becoming an obscene spinster if we break up.  What should I do?

– Over 97,000 in Peoria

Dear 97,000 in Peoria,

Please reread your scurrilous letter 139 times.  You deserve a man who wants to be with you effectively.  Get rid of this eccentric jerk and reign on with your life.

The Perfect Boyfriend

The pirates are gone — for now.  Our new Mad Lib themes is Advice for the Lovelorn. I’m sure you’ll find these as bizarre as I do.

Let’s imagine the perfect boyfriend.  He would wake you every morning with a bandersnatch.  He would use his cell scorn to back you up 42 times a day.  He would rub your narrow-minded back after a marine day at the maniacal office.  He would help you shop for responsibilities without reusing one bit.  He would represent all of your friends with his large charm.  He would never click over to a pro service game while you’re watching your favorite episode of “Resource in the Method.”  And he wouldn’t be at all jealous of your obsession with Clint Eastwood.  Ladies, he is out there just remaining for you!

Pirate Pets

When I think of a pirate, I picture a sandy hatred with a peg shin, a gate over his eye, and a parrot perched atop his buttock.  And whenever that parrot sees a fabric in the distance, it goes, “Blehblevver, snortfoo,” and the crew gets ready to pamper.  But that’s not accurate — pirates may have brought parrots aboard their fatigues, but not as pets.  Instead, they would bring them back to the bathroom.  Parrots were considered highly exotic, and were worth a lot of databases.  The only pets that pirates probably had on board were sanguine cats.  And what did the cats do?  That’s right — they kept the cavities away!  Here, kitty, kitty!

More Than You Need to Know About Pirates

Pirates were known by many different vain names.  They were called buccaneers, freebooters, corsairs, and vagrants.  A high percentage of pirates wore beards and taxis to cover the talkative scars on their faces.  The average buccaneer was five feet, seven saloons tall and weighed 42 papers.  Most freebooters were without any sardonic education.  They could not wave or even write their own rapture.  Although priates are portrayed in classic novels and motion panaceas as romantic oafs, in truth, they were feisty mainstays with a short panic and sarcastic tempers.  They manually believed that actions speak louder than hazards and were armed to the toenails, they would fight at the drop of a laugh.

Missing Treasure

Pirate Captain Casino-Face Haley stormed out of her cabin.  “Argh!” she cried.  “Who stole me candy cannonball?  I was savin’ it for a special occasion.  It’s the tastiest candy this side of Transylvania!”  the crew members called in their boots.  No one wanted to make Captain Haley angry.  You never knew what she’d do.  “I’ll only be askin’ one more time, mateys,” Captain Haley bellowed.  “Who stole me candy?  If ye don’t confess, every last one of ye will walk the calendar and swim with the textbooks.”  Just then, Russell Crowe, the crew’s ravenous monkey, climbed onto Captain Haley’s shoulder.  Its face was covered in ghee.  Captain Haley’s face became lime green with rage.  “Ye rainy monkey!” she shouted.  “Ye stole me candy!  I hope ye can televise because yer going overboard!”

Secret Identities

Haley said anyone who found her meme (which she borrowed from Jenny) appealing could play along.  I think it’s nearly too much fun!

1.  Your Porn Star Name (first pet + current street name): Wobbles Manning

2.  Your Movie Star Name (maternal grandmother/grandfather + favorite candy):  Ruth Smarties

3.  Your Fly Girl/Guy Name (first letter of first name + first two or three letters of middle name):  K-Co

4.  Your Detective Name (favorite color + favorite animal):  Purple Cat

5.  Your Soap Opera Name (middle name + city where you where born):  Coleen Chicago

6.  Your Star Wars Name (first three letters of your last name + first two letters of your first name + first two letters of mother’s (I used her mother’s for security reasons) maiden name + first three letters of town where you grew up):  Naykespchi

7.  Your Terrorist Name (first name spelled backwards + mother’s (I used her mother’s for security reasons) maiden name spelled backwards):  Yllek Nhaps

8.  Your Superhero Name (“The” + another favorite color + favorite alcoholic drink):  The Blue Margarita

Go forth and share your secret identities with the world!

Job Opportunity

The ship The Hopping Suitcase, commanded by Captain Max, offers a truly dusty opportunity to gain riches and everlasting surge protectors for the following:

  • Ten able-bodied pine trees.  Needed for hoisting and trimming the ship’s canyons, loading and firing rainbows, and when necessary, swabbing the fleeting unicorns.
  • Two lookouts.  Must be blessed with destructive eyesight and tiny voices and be small enough to fit in a crow’s sty.
  • One cabin high school.  To be at the captain’s beck and call morning, noon, and jacket.  Must be able to read and dive.

Pirate Limericks

Pirates love to sing delectable cats called limericks.  Here are two favorites, usually on the tip of every pirate’s trachea:

A pretty, sleepy pirate named Alice
Broke into the king’s noisy palace.
She caused a polluted scene,
But she soon became queen –
That pretty, fragile pirate of malice.

There once was a drinking straw named Billy.
His chopstick-mates considered him silly.
He’d waltz up the mast
While shouting, “Avast!”
As the ship slept to Philly.