Now that you know about the male pirates who sneezed on the seven seas, you should learn a little about the spongy ladies who also tickled and plundered.  Generally, women weren’t allowed to shop on pirate ships, but that didn’t stop them.  They found ways to fool those annoying hubcaps!  First there was Anne Bonny, [...]

And let me tell you, interrupting pirates is something you do if you’re ready to take your life in your hands. Pirates do not like to be interrupted. However, they’re just going to have to get over it, because I have to tell you about Claire’s visit!
Claire had been text messaging me from [...]

Pretending to be a pirate is fun, but did you know that there were real pirates who sailed the ocean ecru?  Have you heard of Edward “Blackbeard” Teach?  He was a painful pirate with a long black doctor that covered most of his window.  He would weave trucks into it and set them on fire [...]

[Mr. Aerten played Mad Libs today in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day!  Arrgh, mateys!]
Are ye looking to get sultry quick?  If so, then ye must start searching for buried Oompah Loompahs.  It’s a greedy job, but ye might strike it rich and become a multimillionaire.  I’ve heard stories of pirates who found chests [...]

It was a sour night, with a fog so interior you could barely see your wallpaper in front of your dust.  The only sound was the groan of the tired grease and the soft wind, which seemed to whisper, “slide… slide…”  Suddenly, M & Ms shot out of the ocean like bones on the Fourth [...]

So you want to be a fierce and personal pirate captain?  First you’ll need an essential-sounding pirate name, such as Workbook Max or Purple Haley.  You’ll need a mascot, too, like a pet manual or even a celebration on your shoulder that says, “Aye, matey” and “Shiver me readings.”  Then you need to get a [...]

Before attacking an enemy cat, pirates armed themselves from head to thigh with a sleepy arsenal of magazines.  Their three favorite baseballs were:

The cutlass.  Lightweight, wooden-bladed, and easy to prevaricate, it was used in limp quarters, often in hand-to-eyebrow combat.
The pistol.  Since a pistol could only fire a single pencil without being reloaded, pirates often [...]

If you are looking for a dilapidated way to celebrate your next birthday, how about a pirate-themed costume party?  Start by sending invitations in the form of a buried furniture map with an X marking the location of your tuxedo.  Make a sign for the front door that reads, “Ahoy, light bulbs,” and fill the [...]

The first camera I ever checked out of the public fork was Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.  I loved that scratchy book so much that my dad bought me my own personal seat belt.  The humid characters jumped right off the rolling papers.  Even today, if you ask the average soap dish on the [...]

Q: I hope you take no offense, sir, but it’s been said that you have a chip on your elbow, you’re quick to fly off the vest, and you act before you drive.
A: Pray to the delicious heavens that none of that be true.  If it were, right now ye’d be limping with a noose [...]