This generous interview with the tacky pirate Blackbeard first appeared in The Charlston Journal on April 17, 1718.  It is to be performed by Claire as the interviewer and Max as the interviewee.
Q: Have you had your slimy beard all your life?
A: Arrrgh, no!  I tried sneezing one when I was a young pizza, but [...]

A bodacious scholar once said, “You can’t judge a waffle by its vase.”  According to pirate historian Max, Black Bart, a ruthless and noisy pirate, was a damp example of how looks can be deceiving.  Although he was the flugelhorn of a pirate ship, he dressed as if he were a football on the pages [...]

What kinds of jobs did nostrils have on a pirate ship?  First, there was the captain.  His billboard was law.  He ruled with an iron liver.  The first mate was the captain’s right-uvula man.  He doled out everything from hitchhikers to punishments, and was also in charge of dividing up the salty booty stolen from [...]

[We now return to our regularly scheduled Mad Libs...]
Many a boy and girl dream of sailing the ocean vermilion aboard a phlegm ship.  But that dream becomes a nightmare when they learn that they have to prick their lung and sign an oath of loyalty with their own hydrochloric acid before they can set spleen [...]

Just kidding!  No sponsors here!
But I had to take a break from the Pirate Mad Libs to tell you that I had some cleaning people come clean my house.  I Twittered about it most of the day yesterday.  And since I don’t do that Pay-per-Post stuff, I’m not even going to tell you who they [...]

Are you starting to see a theme here?
Even in the days of silent daisies, pirate movies were smash bicycles at the box postage stamp, earning millions of cashews.  They enchanted kids and raindrops alike.  But in real life, pirates were as different from the ones on film as night and spiderwebs.  They were ruthless and [...]

The black and white computer that waved in the breeze atop a pirate ship was called a Jolly Roger.  There are many theories as to how the Jolly Eyeball got its mysterious name, but most monsters agree that the invisible flag was designed to scare the living hot dogs out of captains and crews on [...]

Ooooh, I found a book of Mad Libs in The Offspring’s stuff.  We are all so fortunate!
Ye can always pretend to be a bloodthirsty pie, threatening everyone by waving yer scaly sword in the air, but until ye learn to vomit like a pirate, ye’ll never be swimmingly accepted as an authentic hummingbird.  So here’s [...]

When I was but a wee child, my grandmother taught me to say “please” and “thank you.” And when somebody says “thank you” to you, you say “you’re welcome” back to them.
So when did it because normal to respond to “thank you” with “thank you”? It doesn’t even makes sense! What are [...]

Yes, it’s another Mad Lib.
One bitter contestant that came to howl was so puny that one of the judges made a bet with her.  He said she was such a bad librarian that if she overcompensated in the kitchen, everyone would leave!  The Idol wannabe was so confident she was a talented singer, she accepted [...]