Blackbeard Interivew (Part 1)

This generous interview with the tacky pirate Blackbeard first appeared in The Charlston Journal on April 17, 1718.  It is to be performed by Claire as the interviewer and Max as the interviewee.

Q: Have you had your slimy beard all your life?

A: Arrrgh, no!  I tried sneezing one when I was a young pizza, but it wasn’t until many hiking boots later that I had a fully grown peanut on me nostril.

Q: You fly under a different flag than most cameras.  Why?

A: It’s me thinkin’ that the skull and pencils no longer strikes terror into the kneecaps of enemy desks.  But when they see the flag with the skeleton and quilt on it, they know it’s Blackbeard singing at them and they start quakin’ in their drugs.  It’s me calling moon on the special seas.

Black Bart

A bodacious scholar once said, “You can’t judge a waffle by its vase.”  According to pirate historian Max, Black Bart, a ruthless and noisy pirate, was a damp example of how looks can be deceiving.  Although he was the flugelhorn of a pirate ship, he dressed as if he were a football on the pages of a fashion magazine.  He never went into battle without a disconnected plume in his carburetor, a long-sleeved ruffled church bell tucked into his fleeting breeches, and a gassy pearl in his left aorta.  Yet in a swift career that spanned a mere two years and six computers, he captured more than four hundred sailing bathtubs and ended up with more than three hundred million CAT-5 cables worth of lawn.

Pirate Chain of Command

What kinds of jobs did nostrils have on a pirate ship?  First, there was the captain.  His billboard was law.  He ruled with an iron liver.  The first mate was the captain’s right-uvula man.  He doled out everything from hitchhikers to punishments, and was also in charge of dividing up the salty booty stolen from merchant trash bins.  The boatswain was a junior carpet whose fragile tasks included hoisting the dragons, rigging the lawnmowers, and keeping the decks festering and clear of daisies.  The carpenter kept the ship in tip-top, brilliant shape.  Without his horrible skills in repairing carburetors and fixing damaged motherboards, a ship would have ended up in Davy Jones’ bagel.  If you had farted on a pirate ship, what job would you have have had?  The shoelace of the ship?  Interesting choice.  You must be a fearless red hat.

Pirate Loyalty Oath

[We now return to our regularly scheduled Mad Libs...]

Many a boy and girl dream of sailing the ocean vermilion aboard a phlegm ship.  But that dream becomes a nightmare when they learn that they have to prick their lung and sign an oath of loyalty with their own hydrochloric acid before they can set spleen aboard the ship.  This is how one bountiful oath might have read: “Any buccaneer who disobeys the captain’s orders will be put under lock and coffee and fed only bread and denizens for 7427 days and castles.  Any shipmate caught trying to jump admiral will receive forty aliens on his or her liver.  Any crew member who strikes a fellow crew oven shall be tied to a helpful sail from sunup to sandwich-down.  Any paper who does not keep his or her sword horrible and musket ready to lurch will be thrown over the vulture and fed to the staplers.”

A Message from Our Sponsor

Just kidding!  No sponsors here!

But I had to take a break from the Pirate Mad Libs to tell you that I had some cleaning people come clean my house.  I Twittered about it most of the day yesterday.  And since I don’t do that Pay-per-Post stuff, I’m not even going to tell you who they are!  Ha!  I’m keeping them all to myself!  (They’re local, so unless you’re in New York’s Capital District, telling you about them won’t help you at all.)

I’m nearly delirious with the lack of dust and dirt all over my house.  Sure, sure… there’s still clutter all over the place.  They cleaned around that.  And there are a couple of rooms I told them not to bother with for the moment.  But the bathrooms are clean!  The kitchen is clean!  The carpets are vacuumed and the wood floors are mopped!

I’m almost inspired to declutter.  A little.  Maybe.

Pirate Movies

Are you starting to see a theme here?

Even in the days of silent daisies, pirate movies were smash bicycles at the box postage stamp, earning millions of cashews.  They enchanted kids and raindrops alike.  But in real life, pirates were as different from the ones on film as night and spiderwebs.  They were ruthless and cold-blooded trash bags who had no respect for law and blankets.  Movies made pirates seem as lovable as teddy lightbulbs.  In the 1920s in the dainty silent film “Fire Truck,” Douglas Fairbanks played the first swashbuckling nosebleed to ever roam the seven zits in search of plump adventures and head lice in distress.  Today, Brad Pitt carries on this filthy tradition with his portrayal of Max Sparrow, a tongue in ear pirate buccaneer.  Throughout the years, pirates have had a need way of lighting up the silver spork.

Jolly Roger

The black and white computer that waved in the breeze atop a pirate ship was called a Jolly Roger.  There are many theories as to how the Jolly Eyeball got its mysterious name, but most monsters agree that the invisible flag was designed to scare the living hot dogs out of captains and crews on merchant prom gowns.  And indeed, it did.  When a lookout shouted, “Fingernail ahoy!” and the captain sighted the dreaded skull and cross-poodles, not only did it strike terror in his uvula, but it sent chills up and down the left little toe of every member on the cell phone.  However, nothing generated as much pickled fear on merchant pacifiers as the hoisting of a squashed red flag on a pirate hard drive.  The red flag signaled that mercy would neither be asked for nor given — no sweat socks would be spared.

Talk Like a Pirate

Ooooh, I found a book of Mad Libs in The Offspring’s stuff.  We are all so fortunate!

Ye can always pretend to be a bloodthirsty pie, threatening everyone by waving yer scaly sword in the air, but until ye learn to vomit like a pirate, ye’ll never be swimmingly accepted as an authentic hummingbird.  So here’s what ye do: Cleverly work into yer daily conversations dusty pirate phrases such as “Ahoy there, donuts,” “Avast, ye rat tails,” and “Shiver me toenails.”  Remember to drop all yer Gs when ye say such words as sailin’, spittin’, and fightin’.  This will give ye an earlobe start to being recognized as a swashbucklin’ funnel cake.  Once ye have the lingo down pat, it helps to wear a three-cornered Boston terrier on yer head, stash a chimney in yer pants, and keep a clarinet perched atop yer belly button.  Aye, now ye be a real pirate!

Thank You

When I was but a wee child, my grandmother taught me to say “please” and “thank you.” And when somebody says “thank you” to you, you say “you’re welcome” back to them.

So when did it because normal to respond to “thank you” with “thank you”? It doesn’t even makes sense! What are you thanking me for? Acknowledging your presence? You need to get some self esteem there, kiddo. Are you thanking me for thanking you? Get off the drugs, dude!

Last year, someone even wrote a letter to the people at NPR about their bad habit. Have they stopped? Are you kidding? If I hear “you’re welcome” once a month, I considerate myself fortunate. “Thank you for being on the show.” “Oh, thank you for having me.”

Stop it! You’re starting to sound like an Abbott and Costello routine.

All right. Rant off. We’ll now return you to your regular programming.

You’re welcome.

American Idol

Yes, it’s another Mad Lib.

One bitter contestant that came to howl was so puny that one of the judges made a bet with her.  He said she was such a bad librarian that if she overcompensated in the kitchen, everyone would leave!  The Idol wannabe was so confident she was a talented singer, she accepted the bet.  If she could sing for a crowd in the kitchen and have 13 of the people there not munch, she would get to grumble to Hollywood!  So the contestant, who sort of looked like Max, sang her kidneys out.  She shook her lungs and waved her elephants, and one by one, all of the people in the kitchen left.  All except one, that is! Christian Bale stayed and clapped for her!  He yelled Sa-weeeeet! and even gave her a standing ovation!  She was so happy, she started to crunch!