Another One

DR. PAUL KWESI
DEPARTMENT OF MINERAL ENERGY, GHANA.

Attn: Dear Good Friend,

Funds transfer proposal.

NOTE: My good friend I am doing this for my sick son; that is just the truth. Read along.

I presume this mail will not be a surprise to you. I am an accountant with the ministry of mineral resources and energy in Ghana and also a member of contracts awarding committee of this ministry under Ghana government. I got your email information from one of my good friends who work with Ghana’s Chamber of Commerce and industry on foreign business relations here in Accra-Ghana, though I did not disclose the deal to him. When he gave me your email address, I did not ask him his source because, I trust his judgment, having known him for a very long time.

So my thinking is that if my friend can give me your email address contact when he knows that I am looking for a trustworthy foreigner, then you must be trustworthy and honest.

Some years ago, Ghana government asked this committee to awards contracts to foreign firms, which I and three of my partners happed to be the head of this committee. With our good position, this contract was over invoiced to the tune of US$18,500,000:00 as a deal to be benefited by the four Members of this committee. Now the contracts value has been paid off to the actual contractors that executed these jobs, all we want now is a trusted foreign partner like you that we shall front with his banking account number to Claim the over inflated sum.

The said funs will be shared within us when it is confirmed into your provided Account in your country by the paying Bank.

NOTE: I know there may be scams and junk mails flying here and there on the internet but certainly, this is not one. Please do not fail to understand that in spite of all that, opportunities of this kind still abound. If you have ever wished or prayed for something good to come your way, now I urge you to take this message seriously and with an open mind.

You could never know. This may be an answer to your prayers. So please give it a benefit of doubt and with good faith and trust join me and I am assuring you now that you will never be disappointed. Kindly respond back to me to my email.

Truly yours,

Dr. Paul Kwesi.

Spam

I use the Akismet spam plugin on all my WordPress blogs. It’s a wonderful thing. I think the thing about Akismet that’s most fun is that it tells me the IP address of the spam originator.

So, get this… on my art blog, Akismet has caught 108 spam comments since I installed the plugin. Of those 108 spam comments, 103 of them originate from customers of the RIPE Network Coordination Centre in Amsterdam (the one in the Netherlands, not the one here in New York).

Isn’t that interesting? I thought it was interesting. It’s so interesting that I declare a pox on the RIPE Network Coordination Centre!

Spam is evil, children. I’m sure if it had existed when I was a young person, my grandmother (bless her heart) would have declared anyone engaging in such behavior was incurring the wrath of God. Who am I to argue with Grandma? Just helping out with the pox here.

It’s Easier to Be an Asshole to Words Than to People

Internet Argumentxkcd is one of my favorite web comics.  Randall is brilliant, and in a strange and bizarre way I’m sometimes pleased that I simply don’t understand the math humor.  Sometimes the comic is romantically touching, sometimes it’s hysterically funny and sometimes it’s delightfully snarky.  This strip, however, simply points us to Truth.  It is easier to be an asshole online than in person.  Maybe there’s something we should do about that, eh?

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Dear Mr. Kuku

Dear David,

You don’t mind if I call you ‘David’, do you?

I read your letter with great fascination when it arrived in my spam folder earlier this week. What a new and interesting business proposition! It was especially refreshing to see something this innovative after a decade of requests to smuggle large amounts of cash out of various African nations on behalf of deposed princes and grieving widows. You are to be commended!

But, David, I must confess to some reservations that I hope you can address. It appears that you are perpetrating a cycle of unethical behavior by not informing your employer of Abi-Ad’s latest correspondence. You must realize that you are an employee and are obliged to act in the best interest of your employer. Tsk. This worrisome behavior is of great concern to me.

I also have a concern about your insistence that my involvement be kept a secret from Abi-Ad. Why would that be, David? Once again, it has an odor of disrespect to it.

I’m also curious as to why you need my assistance at all. You say you have a contact in Africa (I knew there would be an African connection!) from whom you can purchase the medicine. Why not just make the purchase yourself and resell the product to Abi-Ad? Adding an additional layer of complexity to your scheme only increases the chances either your boss or Abi-Ad will discover your duplicity.

Lastly, it seems to me that you would know the proper spelling Liverpool if you had ever been in that fair city. I have a deep concern over your lack of skill with the English language. Whether it is your native language or not (and I can see that it is not), people in the business community generally make an effort to use proper grammar and spelling when communicating with clients and partners. Would it have been too terribly difficult to find a qualified translator to set your thoughts out in a way that would not offend the recipient?

It is my most sincere wish, David, that you cease your unethical and underhanded behavior in regards to your employer. If you find it impossible to reconcile with your boss, you might consider striking out on your own. I know you want to avoid the wrath of God that is sure to rain down upon you because of your duplicitous actions.

By the way, have you been to El Saage? It’s a delightful Mediterranean restaurant in Tucson, Arizona, that has gotten some very good reviews.

Most sincerely,

Your Concerned Prospective Business Partner

Kindly Read This Email

[I received this most interesting and exciting email offer today. I will post my response in a few days. Gosh! What a great opportunity!]

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to solicit your assistance and support to enable me executes a very lucrative and high profiting business transaction. I am very confidence that with trust and understanding, we can be able to execute this business to our mutual benefit and believe that you will not let down the trust and confidence I am willing to repose in you. I work for a London based public international firm (AXIM RDC); I work as the corporate affairs manager. Between the 17th -19th of January, 2008 a business seminar was held in Liver Pool of which I attended. While in the Seminar, I was opportune to meet Abi-Ad, the President of El Saage.

Abi-Ad is an accomplished and widely known and recognized Millionaire farmer in this part of the region. He has farms in different countries in Asia. But above all, he is one of the greatest suppliers of cattle, beef and other diary products in most of the Middle East countries. On getting to know my profession, Abi-Ad took me into confidence by informing me about the purchase of a particular but very important medicine for his cattle.

He informed me that he buys this product at $ 5,000.00 USD per carton, and that he mostly buys to the excess of 200 cartons. He informed me that he was only asking me to find out if my organization could source for him a cheaper supplier considering the recent trend of falls in the general price of beef in the world market which is affecting his business. Back in my office, I discussed this proposal with my boss and he decided to handle the supply by himself.

We carried out a market research and discovered that we could purchase this medicine some what cheaper in Africa for $2,000.00 USD per carton (Because 80% of the people there are into farming and crude oil production). We moved proposal to Abi-Ad to make the supply to them at $4,800.00 USD per carton of which he accepted. Owing to my role in the transaction, I had an agreement with my director to be receiving 20% of whatever gain is made on each supply of which he agreed. But on the completion of the supply and the receipt of the payment, my boss renegade on our agreement and refused to give me my share of the profit. Since then our relationship has been at its lowest ebb.

I have since accepted it as one of life experiences. However, as God would have it, recently, I intercepted a letter of request from Abi-Ad asking my boss to supply him with 2000 cartons of the same product within the next three weeks. I ceased the letter and this letter has not and will never get to my boss. I personally contacted Abi-Ad and informed him that I can introduce him to the producer who is ready to supply him the product at $4,400.00 USD if he will pay in advance as he usually does. He was very pleased and is right now waiting to be contacted by my partner/seller. We will buy the medicine at $2,000.00 USD from Africa and sell at $4,400.00 USD to Abi-Ad I will be entitled to 50% and you 50% of whatever profit we make. If you are interested and is capable of handling this supply with me, kindly get back to me urgently through my e-mail (dvdkuku@gmail.com) so that I can furnish you with the contacts of both our primary source in Africa and that of Abi-Ad.

Kindly be notified that at no point in time should Abi-Ad suspect that you are not the producer of the medicine and we should never allow him know the contact of our real source in Africa as not to allow him by cut us to deal directly with them.

I hope to receive your response and I thank you in anticipation of your cooperation.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. David Kuku.

Customer Service?

Dear Retail Food Service Employee:

I know you get annoyed by customers who are more interested in their phone conversations than allowing you to determine just what it is they want. I get that. If it’s any consolation, I think they’re big fat dodos, too.

But if you would take a few minutes from your horribly important conversation with your coworkers about the movie you saw last night and the latest celebrity scandal and the personal problems of people I don’t even know, you’ll notice that *I* do not have a cell phone attached to my face. You’ll also notice that I am not in the least bit indecisive or conflicted about what I’d like to order… should I ever get the chance to do so. And once you do finally decide to take my order, I’d be ever so grateful if you’d give me your undivided attention rather than continue your conversation with your coworker. Perhaps that way, I wouldn’t have to repeat my simple, single-item order three times. Oh, and maybe you could pay attention while you’re preparing my item so that you prepare it correctly. And while you’re at it, go ahead and take the extra second to wrap it properly. Too bad you were so engrossed in the conversation you were having with your friend who stopped by to visit you at work that you didn’t notice I had to re-wrap my item myself… nor did you appear to notice the three customers waiting for you to finish your fascinating conversation with your long-lost friend.

And so, Retail Food Service Employee, might I suggest you get another job where your mad skill at conversation won’t interfere with a pesky thing like customers? In the meantime, I’ll be visiting the bagel shop near work from now on.

Sincerely,

A Dissatisfied Customer

An Open Letter to Auto Makers

Dear Automobile Manufacturers, Both Foreign and Domestic:

I note from watching your many television commercials that some of you are quite concerned with ensuring the passengers of your vehicles ride in the total silence of space. You are to be commended. I have a suggestion for you, however.

In addition to ensuring that passengers are wrapped in a muffled cocoon, perhaps you would be so kind as to design your cars so that the stereo systems of said cars can only be heard from inside that lovely bubble of silence. I’m sure that the young men driving past my house at 2:00am would revel in the ability to blow their eardrums out of their heads, while I would praise your names to all and sundry if said young men would not wake me from a sound sleep with the noise they fondly call music.

I will be watching with great anticipation for the television commercials announcing this new feature in your automobiles.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Freaks Out Badly When Rap Music Is Played at 150 Decibels at 2:00am Outside the Bedroom Window

Six Quirks

I was tagged by Lynne for this one! (She actually tagged me on my art blog, but I couldn’t think of six art-related quirks, so I moved it over here.)

The rules (ha ha… we all know how much I care about rules!):

  1. Link to the person who tagged you
  2. Mention the rules on your blog
  3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks of yours
  4. Tag six bloggers by linking them
  5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

And now, my six unspectacular quirks:

  1. I always put my left sock and shoe on before the right.
  2. I am almost always in the middle of reading at least two or three books.
  3. I am not, and never have been, a fan of roses. Carnations (or lilacs in a pinch) are the flower for me!
  4. I would rather read than watch television.
  5. I am ambidextrous because my best friend in grade school was left handed and I learned to write (and bat and bowl and play darts and blah blah blah) with my left hand because it pissed me off that the nuns picked on her.
  6. I almost always fall asleep curled up on my right side.

And as for tagging other people… yeah, well, that’s the rule I usually don’t bother with. However, if you’re interested in sharing a wee bit about yourself, consider yourself tagged.

High School

Another meme! This one I found on Bev’s site, and thought it was pretty cool.

What high school did you go to? Roald Amundsen High School

What year did you graduate? 1976

What were your favorite band(s) or artist(s)? The Carpenters, Chicago, Rolling Stones, Beethoven and Mozart

What was your favorite outfit? I don’t recall that I had one… I mostly wore jeans and some wild ’70s style blouse

What was up with your hair? Long and straight… then I got it cut short and permed it… and when the perm wore out, I kept it about shoulder length

Who were your best friends? Maria, Rudy and Dean

What did you do after school? Did homework (yeah, I know… I was a nerd) or hung out at Maria’s house or went to work (junior and senior years)

Where did you work? Hild Regional Branch of the Chicago Public Library (aka heaven on earth)

Did you take the bus? Nope… except for that one day it was so bitterly cold I couldn’t get more than two blocks without weeping

Who did you have a crush on? A kid in my Spanish class in freshman year and a couple of guys I eventually dated… I don’t remember too many crushes from back then

Did you have a boyfriend? Yeah, for a while… for years after we decided to break up, my mother continued to ask about him and wonder if we would ever marry (we did… but not each other)

Did you fight with your parents? Not a whole lot… I was more the passive-aggressive type

Did you ever get detention? No… perish the thought!

Favorite subject? Speech (because Mrs. Sparks was awesome) or Physics (because Mr. Vanderburg was so cool) or Biology (because it was fascinating) or Computer Science (because even then I was a geek)

Did you get into any major trouble? No… if I had, I might not be alive to tell the tale today ;)

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on? Alan Alda and George Takai

Did you smoke cigarettes? Ew, no!

Did you carry around all your books in your backpack all day? No, I left most of them in my locker

Best event ever? Trek Con ’75… I actually got to MEET George Takai!!! <swoon>

Did you have a clique? Not really… a bunch of us Trekkie geeky types hung out together, but I don’t know that I would have called us a “clique”

Where was your senior prom? No idea… I didn’t go

Did you have a hangout? Maria’s basement

Admit it, were you popular? Ahhh… no

Who did you want to be just like? Mr. Spock… nothing ever ruffled his feathers

What did you want to be when you grew up? A doctor

Where did you think you’d be at the age you are now? When you’re in high school, you don’t think about life at 50

What was the color of your yearbook? Red

What were the colors of your school? Red and white

What was your school mascot? The Viking

Do you miss your senior year? No

Happy Blogoversary!

It appears that I’ve been randomly babbling about things for three years now.  Fancy that.  And now that I’ve managed to develop a routine for the art blog, I believe I’ll go ahead and develop one for this blog too.

As Meg and Liz like to say… “HA!”